Men Love Bitches And Cows

Hello? Goodness, it’s dusty in here. It has been a while since I posted anything on this lonely little blog... almost one whole year, infact.

I’m very sad to tell you that during this time something truly tragic happened... My phone died, taking all my numbers with it.

Sorry, dear reader, I know how you loved to hear my oh-so-wacky tales of texting phonebook strangers and generally getting no response. Unfortunately, any plans to contact more weirdos have been well and truly scuppered: now I’m struggling just to get in touch with my mother. Or maybe she’s just screening my calls. Bitch.

Anyhoo, this blog is going through a rebrand. This is beneficial for three reasons:

1) Cutting back on my rendezvous’ with strangers means I’m less likely to be found floating down the Thames in itty bitty pieces
2) The whole concept was, quite frankly, a bit weird in the first place and I’m mildly embarrassed
3) ... Actually I can’t think of a third reason, I was just told in English class at school that you should always group things in threes because it’s more poetic. Or maybe that was photography. Or sex education

So, onwards and upwards.

I was visiting a friend a few nights ago and she started raving about a book she’d just read: ‘Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl – A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship’. Apparently, this modern-day bible has changed her life and I must also read it, because it will really help me. I appreciate the concern but can see three major flaws in her logic:

1) I am already a bitch
2) I am not in a relationship
3) ... fuck it.

The book sounds suspiciously similar to ‘The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right’, which was given to me by another well-meaning friend many years ago. It contained gems like:

• Don't talk to a man first (and don't ask him to dance or propose marriage to him). If you do all the chasing he will feel like a weakling for the entire marriage
• Don't meet him halfway or go Dutch on a date - let him pay all the expenses; and
• Don't rush into sex: why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?

Seriously, who writes this rubbish? A recent survey found a disproportionate number of women who have followed ‘The Rules’ are now floating down the Thames in itty bitty pieces while their husbands have absconded to Thailand with a fake passport and cash for hookers.

Okay, I’m sick of writing now. If you’re still looking for some words to entertain you I suggest the following: