eHarmony

www.eharmony.co.uk

Cost: £100+ if you’re an idiot like me and forget to opt out of the automatic monthly payments. Or £34.95 per month if you’re not an idiot like me.

eHarmony markets itself with words like ‘values’, ‘beliefs’ and ‘marriage’. After you’ve filled out an in-depth character analysis survey and set up your profile you will be sent compatible matches – usually averaging around half a dozen per day. There’s no search function available and you won’t be able to see your matches’ pictures until you’ve opened their profile. At eHarmony looks don’t matter, it’s all about the ‘personality’. Basically, it’s the ugly fat kid of dating websites.

The men: short, fat and bald. Or perhaps that’s just the kind I’m actually compatible with (and explains why my predilection for tall dark and handsome has failed me so far). I don’t mean to be shallow or anything… oh fuck it, yes I do. They all looked like Uncle Fester and I’m more of a Gomez kind of girl.

Pros: If you’re not as shallow as me, or if you’re also short, fat and bald, eHarmony is your ideal dating arena. It could also give you the opportunity to try a new kind of man-flavour: ugly yet tasty, anyone?

Cons: I paid £34.95 per month to have my inbox cluttered up with profiles of fugly men, then, after setting eHarmony emails to ‘spam’, forgot my subscription and ended up £100 out of pocket. If you’re thinking: “Good! That’s karma for writing such a bitchy blog post”, please read this article.